I don’t often do posts solely with personal accounts or stories. Mostly I just rant about things, throwing in personal stories now and then. Today is a bit different. Today you get to hear about being a woman in a (mostly) male dominated office.

I’m the only woman who works in the team of hardware/tech support of about 5 guys. There are more people in our shop than that, but we work together the closest due to job overlapping. So I’ve spent lots of time around them, even though I don’t share an office with them. For the most part we get along. They are all big Republican supporters, know I’m very liberal, and often joke with me about it. I joke right back. I’m fine with that, considering I live in Oklahoma after all, and there’s not a time when I’m not around Republicans. The problem comes in with a smaller group of 3 guys who hang out, talk, and go to lunch together. More specifically, how one guy makes sexist comments pretty often, and the other two either laugh or agree.

None of these are directed at me, ever. It’s always about how some woman is usually hot or ugly. Like when Palin was picked to be the Republican VP candidate. I had to hear about how good looking she is, and how much better she looked than Hillary. Or take the most recent ones yesterday and today that pushed me into posting this.

I went to lunch with two of the guys, and he commented on Hillary being picked for Secretary of State. He said how she didn’t look bad for an older woman, but he couldn’t stand it when she opened her mouth. Then the conversation, between him and the other coworker, went into how she and Bill looked alike and how that it could be possible they were related. They were from Arkansas after all. Luckily from there the conversation turned to football, so that was the end of it. Today though, we were in the elevator and he commented on the young nurses that passed by earlier. He said it was a shame they would be gone soon. He wanted the men to be cared for someone who didn’t look like Nurse Ratchet. I tried to do a “WTF dude? Why does it matter what they look like, it needs just to matter if they can do their job.” He said “Well yeah, they can do their job, but you’ve gotta *look* at them.” I left the elevator and went to do my work ticket.

I can hear many people giving advice, like “Tell him to knock it off”. I tried that, didn’t work. “Tell your boss or file a complaint” I’ve got a valid one for sure. But there are so many issues to deal with there. It’s not like it would be a secret who did it. It would be a long process of retelling everything that was said, bringing back up the feelings, and quite possibly turning it into a he said/she said issue. Many of the ramifications and fallout from a complaint, whether formal or otherwise, would be the same as the easiest solution, “Don’t hang around him unless you have to”. But here’s my thoughts with that… Remember the study about women leaving science careers? The experiences I’m having are exactly like what the study found.

They talk about demeaning and condescending attitudes, lots of off-color jokes, sexual innuendo, arrogance; colleagues, particularly in the tech culture, who genuinely think women don’t have what it takes — who see them as genetically inferior. It’s hard to take as a steady stream. It’s predatory and demeaning.

Some would argue that I’m not hearing him say that since I’m a woman I don’t have what it takes or that I’m inferior. But back when I made the post about that study I mentioned feeling that I got the sense that I had to work hard to prove myself a good and hard worker. That feeling came primarily from him, not the other people in my office. Just like what the researchers said…it’s been hard to take as a steady stream, and as a result I’ll probably end up not hanging around them as much, which will lead to isolation. That part doesn’t really bother me so much, but often the guys will talk about work or ideas in their socializing. That’s what I’ll miss out on. I don’t need to be friends with my coworkers, but having people who can be my mentor, or to feel comfortable talking out a work issue I’m having, or even as someone they see as a person they respect and can come to…that would be really impacted. Even though with all the stuff I just talked about, it sure doesn’t seem like he really respects me anyway.

The biggest thing? I’ve been kicking myself over this a little bit. Thinking maybe I’m just being too sensitive and need to grow a thicker skin. Or being too emotional, since before writing this I was literally almost in tears thinking about it all. It sucks because it’s the woman who is in this exact environment who is made to feel like she is the wrong person and needs to change. Not the sexist who doesn’t know when to keep his stupid mouth shut.

I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. Probably just spend a little less time with them, but try to do some socializing so I don’t miss out on much work talk opportunities. I really need to get back into running during lunch anyway, and that will give me a good excuse to bail without seeming like an emotional killjoy. Just amazing how one person can really affect the people around them, without even realizing it.